Twin Tuesdays - On Having Twins

We found out about our twosome at my eight week ultrasound, typically the first time the OBGYN will see you because "before that, we can't tell you much more than a store-bought test," the medical assistant who took my call informed me. The entire appointment is so fresh in my mind, it's hard to believe it was almost two years ago. Of course, the most life changing moment was when the doctor pointed to the ultrasound screen and said, "Do you see what I see? You have two babies in there." I was so nervous that I couldn't even cry - I wasn't ready to have that release yet - so I burst out laughing, almost a cackle. What. The...?

Twins? Really? Everyone was excited. My mom said that when she told my dad, who'd just come in from watering the grass, he had to sit down on our front stairs and catch his breath, he was so excited. My friend Nikki knocked over her wine glass at the restaurant where we were eating when I shared the news. And I was excited, too.

90 percent of the time, I was excited. 

But there was this part of me that was terrified, that didn't want twins, that just wanted a nice, normal pregnancy with one baby at the end of nine months. And last week, when I read this moving, spot-on post on the New York Times blog Motherlode, I felt compelled to finally talk about the 10 percent of me that was wondering (sometimes still is) how the hell did this happen?

It began with the obsessive internet searches about anything and everything that could go wrong during a twin pregnancy. First I was convinced I was going to lose one. Then I was certain that one was going to hog all the nutrients and the other would suffer. Then I knew - I just knew - I would deliver at 28 weeks and have to go through months of having babies in the NICU. I didn't want to worry about all this. I wanted to go to prenatal yoga and hire a doula and have an epidural-free delivery. Instead, I was reading about how if you try for a natural birth you might deliver one and then need an emergency c-section on the other.

My fears were not unwarranted: this stuff does happen to a lot of twins and twin moms. But many are also born full-term, full-sized, and healthy. And at 7lbs 10oz and 7lbs11oz respectively, Jack and Nellie were two of the lucky ones, born at almost 39 weeks.

For me, though, it went beyond typical pregnancy anxiety. Honestly, my initial thought after the shock wore off was, I couldn't do it. There was just no way. What did I know about motherhood? How would I handle two babies? I was worried that I'd never be able to bond with both of them, that something would be missing. I'd always imagined having one baby that I could cuddle with and take to baby yoga. But now, I pictured myself tearing my hair out as one nursed while the other screamed for food. How could I let my babies suffer like that??

And while that seems very dramatic, there have been moments where I was comforting one and couldn't attend to to the other, and they've been awful. But I've learned in the past 14 months that these moments are more awful for me than the babies. In the end, my bond with both of them is undeniably strong, and in those moments when I feel like I may have scarred them for life, they seem to only remember being comforted.

Now they're at the age where, if we'd had just one, Evan and I would be thinking about having another. We always wanted two children, close in age; we got our wish. And if I had a nickle for every time someone says to me "a boy and a girl, wow, you're done!" then, well, we'd be able to afford a third child. There are some fleeting moments when I feel that having twins "robbed" me of another pregnancy experience, or having kids with that sweet older sibling/younger sibling relationship.

Again, this is all my stuff, not theirs. They are as happy as can be with each other, and when I see how their sibling relationship is growing, my heart swells. Of course there are days when I still feel like I can't do it, like I'm failing, but if I stop to take a good hard look at my little family, I can shake those feelings off. It may have not been our grand plan, and most days are pretty tough, but we're doing just fine.