Twin Tuesdays: Ten things you shouldn't say to twin parents

When I was pregnant, I was often proud and happy to talk about having twins with anyone who was willing. I'm a talker (you're not surprised, are you?), and I was so excited and anxious about what was happening that it was hard to keep my feelings to myself.

But as weeks turned into months turned into "they're here!" I noticed that I was getting a lot of the same questions and comments over and over again, and most of them were focused on the fact that I was carrying two babies. Even though the twin birth rate in this country is fairly high (about 33 in 1,000 births are twins), I got the feeling that I was looked at as a bit of a science experiment. I asked some other twin parents to weigh in, and it does seem that there's a trend. When they discover they're in the presence of twins, strangers have no problem asking even the most personal questions. It's mostly amusing, but also a little disarming and occasionally demoralizing.

So, while we know that most people are just sweetly curious, I can tell you there a few things a twin parent never wants to hear again. Here are my top 10:

1. Two babies?! Oh my goodness, how are you going to handle that? This is often accompanied by a look of combined horror and pity, "as if no one ever had two kids at once before" says twin dad George. I don't know, they're your kids, you handle it.

*Also, it's not like it's three: my friend Georgia said that she once met a woman a party who was pregnant with triplets and gave her that same AH! YOU ARE SO SCREWED! BETTER YOU THAN ME! look she'd always get from singleton moms. "I felt like such a hypocrite!" she told me. (Sorry parents of higher multiples :)

2. Wow, you have your hands full! The postpartum equivalent to the above comment. Yes. Yes I do, thanks for noticing.

3. Twins? Oh so did you do in vitro? (Also: How did that happen? Or: Are they natural?) Jack and Nellie were actually "natural" or "spontaneous" (seriously! that's what they're called!) so I only found this question mildly invasive, but still a little shocking. How did people think it was ok to just come out and ask that? Many twin parents do have trouble conceiving and "end up" with twins after in vitro treatments or hormone injections. Is this something that anyone really wants to discuss with a stranger? And also, what does it matter?

4. Are they identical? I understand: people hear "twins" and they think of those Doublemint ads from the days of yore. But I always feel like saying, "Stop and think for a second. I have a boy and a girl. Are they identical?" instead of just gritting my teeth and saying "no." I still get this question a lot, and even though Jack and Nellie look nothing alike, people will often say, "Oh wow, they really look like twins." Yes, wow, it's uncanny, isn't it? Grumble. Almost as bad a the follow up question...

5. How do you tell them apart? Well...they're not identical...they're a boy and a girl. Come on! They look so different that if I told you I was doing a nanny share for two families, it would be easier to believe! I kid you not, a waitress at our local gastropub was convinced she'd never, ever, be able to tell them apart, even if they were her kids. I just laughed and said "you could always just check inside their diapers."

6. A boy and a girl, you're done! Right, except if I want a third. Does that make make me weird if I want a another baby? Because the look on your face says it does. I kind of love to see twin parents with a third little one. Way to buck the system, bizarre little family with twins that don't even look alike.

7. Oh you're going to have a c-section. For sure. For sure, I did have a c-section. Many twin moms do. But many don't: my friend Jen birthed her girls the old fashioned way. And talk about being seen as a science experiment: when Jen took her babies to the doctor for their 24 hour visit, the head of pediatrics walked in to the exam room unexpectedly and "just HAD to meet the double vaginal mom." Either way, it's none of your business how those two babies get out of our bodies. Oh, and if I had a dime for every time I heard the word vaginal in my third trimester...

8. You want to breastfeed? How's that going to work? Well...two breasts, two babies. (Although I never did get the hang of tandem feeding.) Breastfeeding twins seems slightly more difficult that breast feeding one baby but just like our singleton counterparts, some twins moms breastfeed and pump exclusively, some do a combination of breastmilk and formula, and some switch to formula almost immediately. And none of us need a stranger's advice or opinion about it.

9. Are you nervous you'll deliver really early? Yes, I am, but you're sort of the last person with whom I want to discuss this fear. The myth is that if you're having twins, they'll most likely be born early and really small. Mine were born by scheduled c-section at 38 weeks (full gestation for twins) and were both over 7 and a half pounds. You know what they say about people who assume?

10. Do they speak their own twin language? Now that Jack and Nellie are 15 months, I'm getting this question regularly. I've done a little bit of research, and it seems rare that twins develop their own language, especially with a set of talkative parents. I suppose only time will tell if they once again fail at being stereotypical twins, but so far it seems as though they're only typical toddlers. Sorry weird stranger with too much twin knowledge.